Tag: baby-led play

who are playgrounds for?

Desere

playground

[pley-ground]

noun

an area used for outdoor play or recreation, especially by children

Playgrounds are for our children right?

Have you been to one recently? Go. And tell me if your observations match mine.

I see parents micro managing their children’s ‘enjoyment’ of the playground.

“Climb up there.”

“Go down the big slide.”

“Why don’t you play over here?”

I see care takers on their phones the entire time.

I see moms walking their toddlers up the structures.

I hear parents asking their kids if they can go home because they (the parent) is hungry.

The swings are a love hate relationship.

There are directions for which slide to go down, and how.

Does reading any of this sound bizarre to you?

Playgrounds, of all places, should be a place for your child to have complete ownership. They should do as much, or as little, as they want. They should be able to play in the sand the entire time without glancing at the play structure. And they should be able to go down the same slide over and over, even ‘backwards’.

Why then do parents feel the need to control this experience?

Here is what I think:

1) fear

I know it is scary. But when you let your child explore the play structure in their own way, they are way more careful than you think. And if they aren’t, you don’t have to stand a mile away! You can stand there to make sure they don’t fall from any unsafe height.

I usually let my son climb the structure on his own but I stay nearby on the ground. I stand by any big openings. Occasionally my son comes to check out the openings and I tell him it is a very big drop. If he tries to come through, I stop him. But he has never tried.

2) mistrust of child’s capabilities

I find it astonishing when I see toddlers who are fully walking, being led up the play structure hand in hand by their parent. Even when your child can crawl, let them crawl up the structure alone. Giving them this space and trust is what will help them in turn learn to trust their own bodies. This is called body knowledge, and it needs to be learned.

Furthermore, your child needs to fall. That’s how they learn what it means to fall. I fully agree with Magda Gerber that “learning to fall, getting up again and moving on is the best preparation for life.”

The problem is that a lack of body knowledge is a consequence of never letting your child learn about their bodies. If for their entire life, you have been there aiding your child to sit up, stand, walk, go down steps, etc, then you have officially become an enabler to your child. They feel like they can do these things because they have always had your hand and help. Unfortunately this means they never fully learned their own body’s capacity of doing these things on their own. They haven’t fully mastered balancing. They haven’t felt the gravity push them down each step. And because of this, they probably won’t be very safe on top of play structures. In that case, I can see why a care-taker may want to hold a child’s hand and be next to them every step of the way.

But that sucks. It sucks for the child. It sucks for you! Don’t you want a break?

3) inability to let go

I was at the park the other day and my son was playing with a bunch of toys in the sand. Another little boy walked over to play and his dad immediately stopped him and said “we didn’t come here to play in the sand” while leading him up to the structure. But doesn’t that just sound so absurd? His son wanted to play in the sand. Is it really so hard to let go?

I hear parents complain all the time about being tired, about running out of things to do with their child, about not knowing how else to entertain their 2 year old. None of these things need be an issue if we just learned to let go a bit. I go to the park every morning. Why? Not only does my son LOVE being outdoors, but this is also the best break ever! I get to sit under a tree or walk barefoot in the grass while my son does whatever he wants to. Sometimes he is climbing, sometimes he is sitting in the sand and not moving, sometimes he walks around, and sometimes he is next to me for a long time. No matter what, I am at peace.

I think that is the hardest thing for some parents, because being at peace means letting go. Let go of any preconceived ideas of ‘how’ children should play. Let go of the idea that if you don’t lead them they won’t get the most out of the experience. Let go of the stress.

Your child IS getting the most out of the experience, regardless of what they are doing. Trust them. Trust yourself. You are enough.

 

don’t assume

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As parents we make a lot of assumptions on behalf of our children. We assume that they’re tired. We assume that they’re bored. We assume that they’re angry. We assume that they’re scared.

When we are at a play date and see someone take our child’s toy, we assume our child is upset. When we see our child fall, we assume our child is hurt.

But young children run on instinct and are driven to explore. They are directed by an internal motivation to play, and through that play learn instinct and experimentation. They are impulsive and can’t always be rationalized with. They feel … strongly. All of these reasons are why we cannot assume things about them.

Let’s look at some specific examples.

when they play

Parents constantly assume their kids are bored. This is one of the biggest criticisms I hear about RIE parenting, that doing baby-led play instead of playing with our children leaves them bored. This is completely untrue. Babies and young children don’t get bored. They could be pausing to think about what they just touched or did, they could be deciding where next to go, they could simply be taking in a reflection they see from the window. Bored… they are not. And if they are bored, it is a consequence of being constantly entertained without the freedom of uninhibited play. Don’t worry this is easy to fix, just let them be bored.

As for child-led play, we also cannot assume they want to do something with a certain toy. That’s the whole point of this type of play, is letting them play and learn while we observe. They might pick up something simply for the look of it, but if we join in assuming they want to play with that toy, we are officially directing their play. It is no longer theirs. This is why Magda Gerber urges caregivers to step back, let your child do the playing and you will be amazed at the things they come up with. But this means getting rid of biases and assumptions of what ‘play’ is.

when they steal

One child is holding a toy. Another kid comes and takes the toy away. The “stealing” kid’s mother comes over, yanks the toy from their hand, gives it back to the first kid, all while saying something like “no don’t do that, you have to share, that is not nice, if you don’t share we are leaving.” How many of you have seen something like this?

Why are we assuming that young children are bothered by toys being taken? Moreover why are we assuming our child needs us to fix the situation?

If your child is the victim, let them be. Let them learn resourcefulness. Kids live in the moment. They will either try to get their toy back or move on. They may even go find a replacement toy. How cool is that!? They might go find something else to play with because they understand someone has their original item of interest. And why take that aha away from them? Why save them? If they are upset, that’s because they just learned they can’t always have everything they want. That’s an important message in life.

If your child is the stealer, then so be it. They saw something that seemed interesting and went after it. As long as they took it respectfully, which they often do if given the chance, then why stop them? I feel like it is more out of fear that we step in. We are afraid the other kid is upset. We are afraid someone will judge our child for being a bully.  We are afraid someone will judge us for not doing something. But this isn’t about you, the adult, who has life experiences that taught you about repercussions and complex emotions. It’s about the child. Janet Lansbury eloquently writes, “Children this age don’t understand the concepts of “sharing” or “ownership”, and when we try to teach them those things, we tend to discourage play and learning”.

Stop trying to fix it.

when they fall

I see this all the time, a small child falls and the parent rushes over in a panic. The parent fusses as the child learns the power they now have over their caregiver.

I get it, when my son falls my heart stops. It’s indescribable the fear I feel in that moment, wondering if he is all right. Most of the time… he is. I am constantly amazed at how non-fragile babies and kids are.

The problem when we do this is we assume they are in pain and and they feed off this assumption. When we rush over, we are sending several messages to our kid. We are telling them falling or getting hurt is the worst thing that could happen and that they need us. We create a dependency on ourselves to save them from what they are feeling.

I find however, simply stating what you observe is the best thing to do. It helps them make sense of what just happened, and build resiliency. My son often hits his head and I tell him that. I don’t say “poor baby are you ok oh my gosh.” I also don’t try to make him forget with “you’re ok, it’s fine, nothing happened.” I walk over normally, ensure my face is in a natural state, and tell him “you hit your head, I saw that.”

Then I read the situation. If he is still crying hysterically I tell him I am going to pick him up, and I hold him. More often, he calms down and looks at me. Sometimes he looks at where he hit his head, sometimes he puts his hand on his head where he got hurt. He is making sense of what just happened, and I am helping him do it without being his “hero” who saves him from the situation.

This is hard to do, of course, because like I said my heart literally stops when he appears to get hurt. But then, I realize my assumptions that he is hurt are often wrong and seeing him continue to play seconds later makes me confident of this method.

when they “talk”

Often when a toddler says something, we assume to know what they are referring to so we can respond. I mean what else can we do when our toddler is speaking to us using one word sentences? We look at their body language and their tone and deduce the meaning of their message.

What I’ve learned however is sometimes the best thing you can do is, again, say what you observe.

A boy in my RIE class oftentimes points up at the snack table on top of the cabinet and says “nak”. He usually does this before snack time starts. At first his mom would say “you are hungry and ready for snack” or “you want snack”. But he would just keep saying “nak”. Our teacher told the mom that maybe he isn’t hungry. Instead of assuming he is hungry, just say “you see the snack table.” The mom did, the boy lit up and walked away.

You see sometimes they just want to feel heard, feel understood. And acknowledging them this way does so without unknown assumptions. No deniability, as my teacher says. By simply stating what we see there is no denying what we are saying out loud to be true or false, as the case with the boy who wasn’t hungry but just saying he sees the snack table.

Another example that happened in my class was a boy kept saying “daddy.” So the mom tried to rationally let him know daddy is home and they will see him when they get home. The boy persisted. All throughout class, “daddy”, “daddy”, “DADDY”.

The teacher turned to the boy and said “you are saying daddy, you really want daddy.” The boy looked at her, then went on to play.

 

So what’s my point with all this? What are we to do? We are humans who assume. Assumptions help us navigate our world. But too often babies and young children are treated as objects because we assume things for them. They are people, through and through. Assumptions about them simply underestimate their abilities.

I had a teacher in high school who used to tell us “to assume is to make an ass out of you and me.” Maybe inappropriate to be telling this to high school students, but the message stuck.

So stop assuming. Just be there, acknowledge, and trust.

bedtime part 2

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Last week I wrote a whole post about babies having a bedtime. Basically I vented about when I go out late at night, I see too many babies and families, the babies are crying, and from my interpretations, the crying is tiredness.

But before I dive into the deeper issues of not adhering to a baby’s bedtime, I want to first clear up any issues I may have caused by writing my little rant the other week.

Now motherhood is hard. And I am not saying that in the cliche way that we hear all the time. Being a mom is the hardest thing in the whole world and unfortunately you only really understand this once you become a mother yourself. Therefore the last thing I ever want to do to you, my readers, is place judgment on you as a mother.  Motherhood is hard enough without judgment and critiquing.

That being said, my blog is about respect. Specifically respecting babies. My goal is to write about a parenting style that is centered on the idea that babies are capable, understand us, and are worthy of trust and respect.

That being said, there are exceptions. Because we are human. And we are not perfect. And we aren’t supposed to be perfect. So…

You have no one to watch the baby and need to run out for last minute errands. I am not judging you.

You go out all day, maybe with friends. You enjoy yourself and miss baby’s bedtime. I am not judging you.

You work everyday, get home late, want to spend time with your kids but also need to get groceries or buy some clothes. I am not judging you.

Now, if this is something you do on the daily then yea I am passing a little judgment. The instances I described in my last post didn’t seem like a once in a while venture out to Target. The parents were ignoring or trying to shush their crying baby so they could dilly dally on their phones and peruse the store. And I simply don’t believe that is in the best interest of their child.

I say this because I see babies as more than they are.

And that’s the whole point of this site. I want to open your eyes, too. I want you to see your baby for more than they are. I want you to sit back and watch your baby “play“. I want you to wait and let your baby struggle before ‘saving’ them. I want you to talk to your baby while doing things to them like picking them up or changing their diaper. Because when you do this, when you really start to create habits like these, babies become more than babies. You will start to see them as whole beings. And once you see them this way, you start to feel for them more. You start to question whether the mentality of “oh he is just a baby it’s fine” is the best way of thinking about things. You start to wonder “would I want anyone treating me like that?” And once you see your baby and all babies like this, you can’t turn it off.

My goal is not to place judgement on you as a mother. When I wrote my last post, even when I wrote about not taking babies to Disneyland, I am describing what I see from the baby’s perspective. And I am doing this to help you see it as well.

I am a teacher at heart after all. Even though I am not RIE certified or credentialed in early childhood development, I believe I can still teach you. I can teach you how I empowered high school students in a subject most adults shudder when mentioned. And I can teach you what I have learned studying this parenting philosophy so far.

If you don’t agree with it, we are all good too. There is no black and white with parenthood, and you have to do what feels right to you.

As for me… I believe in RIE. If you do too, then let’s officially get back on track and dive into the bigger issue underlying my rant from last week.

Why is it so important that we adhere to a bedtime schedule? 

Babies and kids crave routine. The more consistent the environment, the more they will flourish. Routines give babies confidence and security. This security lays the foundation for babies to learn and apply their learning. Because of this constant learning and adapting, the moment you mess with the predictable, you throw off a baby’s world.

Furthermore, there are countless researchers that have shown a correlation between bedtime and cognitive development. Irregular bedtimes are linked with lower scores in reading, math, and spatial awareness. Irregular bedtimes are linked to behavioral problems. Irregular bedtimes are even linked to self-image issues.

But most importantly, irregular bedtimes means you are not putting your child’s needs first. It means you are taking the repetition and routine away from your baby. It means you are going to have a screaming baby. It means you are probably going to get angry or frustrated yourself. It means you are setting yourself up for failure.

Remember how hard being a parent is? So let’s avoid these types of situations if we can. Just respect and trust.

Respect your child’s needs.

This includes being fed and in bed on a consistent schedule.

Trust your child’s ability. 

The more consistent you are, the more they will follow through. Babies and young children are capable of holding up their end of the bargain. They will eat and they will sleep because it becomes a predictable part of their world.

Lastly, because I am passionate about this parenting philosophy I am going to call out any behavior I believe undermines babies and young children. I am not out to criticize you or your choices. I am here to spread knowledge. I have gained a lot of insight when teaching high school students a specific way. And the specific way I taught has now forged the type of mother I have become.

So trust me when I say, I am not here to critique your parenting choices.

But do respect the experience I bring to the table.

leave them alone

Desere

Being a mom has taught me a lot about relationships. My relationship with my husband, my parents, and my friends changed, because I changed. And I expected this to happen because I knew being a mom would change everything.

But the one relationship I never really thought about before having my son, was the one I would have with him.

Over the past year I have been developing a relationship with him that was mostly based on his dependence on me. He depended on me for food and to maintain his sleep schedule. He depended on me for love and affection.

Furthermore adopting RIE into my parenting meant that I tried to base the relationship I have with my son on respect.

But now that Frank is one year old, I realized that it’s not enough for me to respect my son. I want a relationship based on mutual respect.

Well, what does a mutually respectful relationship look like with a one year old?

I think I show Franky respect when I give him space to play on his own (baby led play), when I tell him what I am going to do before I do it, when I ask for his help when changing his diaper, or when I think about his needs before taking him places.

I am teaching him to build respect for me when I leave him to shower, use the bathroom, or cook dinner. Because as a self-caring adult, I need to do these things during the day. And as a self respected mother, I refuse to give up these self caring acts, nor do I think I should have to.

And I really think leaving him briefly during the day to take care of myself, is teaching him to respect me and my needs.

So my advice for you to have this type of mutually respectful relationship with your baby or young toddler, is to leave them alone.

Don’t be with your baby or carry them around all day. In other words, attachment parenting is not recommended, it provides a false sense of presence. You will not be there by their side forever, that’s not how life works. Your child has the right to learn this.

Furthermore, your child has the right to learn how to be alone, that being alone for a few minutes is ok and that you will return (because you always do).

We build trust with our babies when we tell them “I will be back in a few minutes”, and then we actually come back. This idea takes time for babies to develop, of course. It relates to psychological development known as object permanence, I still exist even though you cannot see me. But there is no reason or harm in starting when they are little.

In fact there is countless research that shows as long as you are present with your child during the day, really present, there is no proof that they feel fear or abandonment when you are not there.

This brings me to my next point, sleep.

You cannot make someone sleep. You cannot make someone eat. You cannot make someone leave you to play with others. These actions require readiness, and your child will do them when they are ready.

Today in RIE class we talked a lot about sleep, specifically what happens when our child begins waking up during the night after months of being a great sleeper. What is triggering them to wake up? What is the respectful approach to handling them at that time?

We talked about different strategies on what to do. One mom recommended the happy sleeper method, and our teacher discussed the issues of using any one cookie-cutter method.

Babies wake up for all sorts of reasons, teething, a loud noise, stomach ache, hungry, over-tired, change in routine, developmental milestone, etc. We cannot treat every reason the same. We can, however, remember that we have needs as well. It is unreasonable to go in every hour, or for every cry. It is unreasonable to create crutches, tricks that our children rely on to fall back asleep (rocking, nursing, singing …) Remember, we deserve respect too. And no self-respected adult should go night after night losing sleep for no reason.

So instead we provide the timing and place for sleep. We provide a predictable routine. We acknowledge. And most importantly, we leave.

When it’s around 6:15 and I have completed the bedtime routine that I do every night, I tell my son that I’m going to place him in his crib and then lay him down. I tell him I love him, that I’ll be downstairs, and that when he wakes up I’ll be here. And I leave.

If during the night he cries for longer than a minute, I return and acknowledge. Remember, I am not a fan of the ‘cry it out method’. Instead I go in his room and say something like, “I see how hard this is for you, but this is resting time. I love you. I am going to go back outside.” I rub his back for a few minutes and sometimes even blow him a kiss as I leave.

I return because I love him.

I acknowledge because I respect him.

I leave because I respect him so much that I want him to learn how to sleep, and fall asleep, on his own.

My biggest weakness was nursing my son back to sleep. I knew I had to stop for my own sanity, because there were months (like when Frank started standing) where he would wake up twice or three times. After our pediatrician reaffirmed that at this age, they do not wake up because of hunger, I decided enough was enough. I am going to leave my baby alone.

And I think, actually I hope, that he is learning his body and how to put himself back to sleep without me. I hope that he also respects me for giving him the space to be able to figure this out on his own.

So whether you are struggling with your child’s sleep patterns, or simply needing time to get anything done during the day, my simple advice remains the same… leave them alone.

relaxing play date

Desere

My last RIE class reaffirmed why I love this parenting philosophy so much.

When I walked in there was just one boy there already with his mom. I sat down with Franky on my lap and waited until he was ready to leave me. I waited until I could feel him leaning out of my lap. But he didn’t. A few minutes went by, five, then ten minutes, and my son sat on me, completely content.

When he was finally ready to leave, he didn’t go to the toys like every other class, he kept going to the other boy sitting on his mom.
My son was craving a social interaction, a connection with someone, not something.

The other boy, however, was simply craving time on his mom.

I learned that this boy goes to day care a few days a week, because the mom works part time. This is one of the few times during the week he probably gets his moms’ 100% undivided attention. So he was soaking it up.

And the best part about RIE class is that this boy could stay on his mom for as long as he wanted. He could hug her for the entire 1.5 hours of class. Because RIE class gives the space for kids to just be.

Just like my son could sit on me for longer than he normally does.

It’s important to allow the space for babies to warm up in their own way and to decide for themselves to be independent of us as their caregiver. There are so many times where we are the ones that put our kids down and leave them. How often do we leave them to use the restroom or prepare dinner? And how often do we give them the opportunity to leave us?

Later, a third boy came with his mom.
And that was it for today’s class, just three boys.

When the third came he began playing with the toys and my son went over to play with him.

Everything was so relaxed and so mellow. It was so refreshing.

I realized that this is the only time in the week  that I can have a play date where the moms are not distracted. There is no noise and chaos from kids screaming and running around, while moms sit around and chat about this and that.

When I go to those types of play dates, I feel like us moms are there for each other, not our kids. Which is valid. Being a stay-at-home mom is tough because often you spend most of your day without speaking to another adult. No conversation can mess with you. And so having a play date with the true intention of having other adults to talk to is completely understandable.

But I don’t like it. I don’t like it because my son’s needs get ignored. I don’t like entering those play dates and putting my son down so I can catch up with my mommy friends. I don’t like watching other kids clinging on their moms, craving a connection, but being pushed to “go play with the other kids so mommy can talk”. I never feel relaxed at these events.

I like RIE class because there is a predictability each week. The predictability is in the time and space we are providing for our babies, and for ourselves.

We always sit against the wall and observe. The room is always set up with the same wooden, silicone, and plastics toys. Our kids are always the ones that get to choose when to leave us to play. And they are always given the freedom to explore, or not.

I love being able to let go of preconceived ideas of what our kids should do or how they should play.

We get to let go because we know it’s a safe space. There are two teachers and several moms observing and providing minimal intervention if necessary.

We get to slow down.

Consequently, our kids get to slow down too.

Our kids get to take in every adult’s face. They get to climb, and fall. They get to play with open ended objects. They get to explore wood and metal. They get to go outside.

They also get to sit on us whenever they want, for as long as they want.

RIE class is the most relaxing of play dates I’ve ever had.

what do you do all week?

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Since becoming a new mom and an even newer stay at home mom, I’m constantly asked “what do you do all week?”

It’s a well meaning question, probably similar to asking “How are you?” or “How’s life going?”. But it doesn’t feel like that.

Honestly, it feels like an attack on me as a stay at home mom. It feels more like, “You are a stay at home mom so you better be doing stuff all week long”, “you can’t possibly be a stay at home mom and also just be staying at home every day”, or “You are busy enough to justify quitting your job, right?”.

Ok, maybe the people asking me this don’t really think all that. But I just really hate this question, “What do you do all week?”

Other than my insecurities as a stay at home mom, I believe the actual problem behind it is that new parents think they need to fill their week with activities to entertain their baby. And many do.

But I like being home most of the week. At home my son is comfortable and gets to have hours of baby-led play. At home my son is not put in and out of his carseat 100 times. At home my son eats on the floor. At home my son gets to nap in his crib.

I like staying home.

And of course, all of this is my prerogative as a mom.

But when people ask me “What do you do all week?” I find it very hard to answer honestly. I feel their pressure. I feel their judgment. I feel the stigma of the ‘stay at home mom’ and the societal pressure to constantly entertain our little ones. I just feel awkward and weird telling people that I don’t do much all week. So … I lie. I tell them that I do go to the library and play groups. I say I go to events with other moms like museums or gardens. Sometimes I just make stuff up because I don’t want people to judge me for actually just letting my son play most of the day while I watch.

I’m scared of others thinking that I am a lazy parent.

Am I?

Am I am truly lazy for wanting to be at home so that my son can just play? Babies learn about their world through play.

Am I lazy for not taking him to a class where the teacher leads all the babies to clap their hands and sing songs and move around? I want my son to have free exploration in his own way, which differs day to day. And that’s ok because babies do things in the moment, moment to moment.

So why do I need to have a week filled with activities?

As a high school teacher I encountered a lot of teenagers with overwhelming extra-curricular schedules. As teens, having well rounded lives is not a bad thing. But this over scheduling has now trickled down to kids, toddlers, and even babies.

Babies don’t need agendas. They just need a safe space to play and explore.

So instead of asking me what do I do all week, how about you ask me what my son does all week.

Because if you ask me what I do all week the answer will be the same, I don’t do much.

But if you ask me what my son does all week… he explores, he discovers, he feels, and he tastes.

He observes people outside and listens to different sounds coming through the window.

He bangs objects on other objects or slides them across the floor.

He is learning physics from rolling his ball across the room or throwing objects over the edge of the stairs.

He is learning positioning when he arranges his blocks in a certain way.

He is learning transporting when he picks up his toys and puts them in different sized containers or into his little truck.

He is learning transforming when he squishes the pieces of banana with his fingers.

These are just a few of the behavioral schemas I observe throughout the day. So no, I don’t do much all week. I simply stay home to allow my son to fully develop physically and cognitively through play. Yes, just whole spirited, uninhibited play.

don’t lead the read

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